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Married men part 1

Married Men Part 1 Are you satisfied with the result?

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Make time for sex. Enjoy sex. He suggested women are bad about receiving pleasure. Men are better at that. Be it sexual pleasure or tokens of affection.

From the previews it kind of sounded like they did it in response to all of the responses Part 1 generated. It was the previews that caught my attention.

Or, that if they do, we should be understanding and tolerant of their moment of weakness? I was very disappointed to hear yesterday that John Edwards admitted to having an affair on his wife, Elizabeth.

Worse, he did it when she was in the midst of battling cancer. She was not prepared to go back home until he corrected his problem.

On the basis of the husband's complaint, the court reconciled the couple and the wife returned to him. When the couple went home, the wife could still smell his bad breath so she went into another room.

The husband went crazy and killed her'. A female dentist divorced her husband because he was not on the same level as her; he had graduated three years after her'.

A woman applied for a divorce because her husband used to sit on the floor and eat with his fingers, did not shave everyday and did not know how to socialize with others'.

Of course all women are not like this. There are those who are intelligent, realistic, and aware enough that they do not foolishly jeopardize their marriage and happiness by exaggerating the shortcomings of their husbands.

Your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not set out to find his weaknesses.

Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have established in your mind.

There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours.

Be satisfied with his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself.

If you are proud enough to think you are perfect, then ask others. Why should you exaggerate a trivial fault?

Why should you shatter your life for the sake of something unimportant? Be wise? Stop being frivolous!

Ignore the faults and do not mention them in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah.

However, there may be flaws in your husband's character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience.

You must not criticize him or start a row, but approach him in a friendly manner. Before your marriage you may have had other offers of matrimony.

These offers may be from rich, educated, handsome men, etc whom you may have wished to marry. Such expectations were natural before your marriage.

But now that you have chosen your partner and signed a sacred covenant with him to be together for the rest of your life, then forget the past altogether.

You must put aside your past wishes and forget those past offers. Do not think of any men except your husband and find peace with him.

If you do otherwise you will place yourself in a strained condition. Now that you have agreed to live with your husband, why should you be constantly noticing other man?

Why should you compare him with others? What do you achieve by looking at other men except putting yourself in a permanently miserable state and cause mental anguish for yourself?

By looking at other men and comparing your husband with them, you will find a man who does not have your husband's faults.

You might then think that man is perfect, because you are not aware of the deficiencies of such a man. You regard your marriage as a failure and this thought might lead to disastrous ends.

In the police station the woman said that, after three years of marriage, she gradually felt that she did not love her husband. If you are interested in an everlasting marriage; if you do not want mental distress; and if you want to conduct a normal life, then stop being selfish and forget your vain hopes.

Do not make compliments for other men. Do not think of any man other than your husband. Do not think to yourself:.

Why should you imprison yourself with these thoughts? Why should you upset the foundations of your marriage? If any of those wishes had come true, how would you know that you would have been more satisfied?

Are you sure that the wives of those so-called "faultless" men are satisfied with them? If your husband suspects that you show interest in other men, he would be disheartened and would lose interest in you.

You must not cut jokes with other men or keep company with them. Men are so sensitive that they cannot even tolerate their wives to show an interest in a picture of another man.

Men and women, although having many aspects in common, also possess unique characteristics. One such characteristic is that women are delicate, beautiful, and likable beings.

They are charming, attractive, and lovable; whereas men are charmed, attracted by and love women's qualities.

When a man marries a woman, he wishes all his wife's beauty and affection to be reserved for him. He wishes to be the only one who benefits from her charm, affection, coquettishness, beauty, sense of humour, etc and to strictly avoid men.

Man is, by nature, very ardent and intolerant of another man either looking at his wife or having any kind of relationship with her.

He would regard a close relationship between his wife and other men to be a violation of his lawful right.

He expects his wife to observe Islamic Hijab statutory Islamic dress for women and by adapting herself to Islamic behaviour and ethics she cooperates in maintaining his lawful rights.

Any faithful and fervent man would have such a wish. A woman's social behaviour, which is based on Islamic ethics, would set her husband's mind at rest; he would then work enthusiastically to provide for his family and his affection for his wife would increase.

Such a man would not be attracted to other women. On the contrary, a man whose wife is not concerned m with Islamic Hijab and displays her beauty to other men or socializes with them, would seriously become upset.

He would regard his wife as responsible for trampling over his rights. Such a husband would always suffer from distress and pessimism and his love for his family may gradually fade away.

It is therefore in the interest of society and women that they should be dressed modestly and behave humbly; they should appear in public without any make-up and should abstain from showing off their beauty to others.

Observing Hijab is an Islamic duty. In short, they can win their husband's hearts and establish themselves in their families.

Thus forestalling harm to the young men, which would also benefit the women of the society. Islam is aware of woman's specific nature of creation and regards her as a very important base of society with responsibilities towards it.

It demands her to make sacrifices to carry out her responsibility by observing Islamic Hijab, which in turn would forestall social corruption and deviation and go a long way in creating stability, security and glorifying her nation.

But definitely the greatest reward is with the Almighty Allah for performing her divine duty. You should not display your beauty and adornments to strangers, be it in the house with your close relations or at other social gatherings outside your own home.

You must cover yourself before your brothers-in-law and their sons, sister-in-law's husbands, aunts' husbands, and cousins. Being not dressed as per Islamic Hijab before these people is a sin and may also cause great distress to your husband, even though he may never mention it.

A woman is not restricted to covering herself to the same extent before her father-in-law, her own brother, and her nephews, although it is better to observe a certain degree of Islamic Hijab before these people too.

In other words women should not appear before these relatives of hers in the same way as she would make herself attractive for her husband.

This is because most men dislike their wives to appear attractive by wearing attractive clothes and make up before other men; and of course it should not be forgotten that the tranquility of mind and the trust of a man in his wife is crucial to the survival and security of the whole family.

Everyone, except those that Allah has declared as "Infallible" makes mistakes. When two people, who love together, and cooperate with each other, make mistakes, they must be forgiving, if they do not forgive each other, then their marriage will come to an end.

Two business partners, two neighbours, two colleagues, two friends, and specifically, a husband and a wife need to be able to forgive each other.

If the members of a family are unforgiving and pursue each other's mistakes, then either the family will separate or they will experience an unbearable life.

Your husband probably makes mistakes. He may insult you, abuse you, tell lies, he might even hit you. Such acts might be committed by any man.

If your husband, after making a mistake, regrets it or you feel he is regretful himself for his misconduct, then forgive him and do not pursue the matter.

If he is regretful but not prepared to express his apologies, then do not try to prove his mistake. Otherwise, he might feel humiliated and he may retaliate by picking out your mistakes and consequently start a major row.

So it is better for you to remain silent until he condemns himself from his conscience and starts to feel remorse about it.

He would then regard you as wise and devoted wife who is interested in her husband and family. Is it not pitiful that a sacred marital covenant should be broken because a woman is not prepared to forgive some mistakes of her husband?

One of the problems of family life is the one cause between the wife and her husband's relatives. Some women do not have a good relationship with their husband's mother, sisters, or brothers.

On the one hand the wife may try to dominate her husband so that he would not be able to pay any attention even to his mother, or any other relatives and she may try to sow discord between them.

On the other hand, her mother-in-law regards herself as the owner of her son and daughter-in-law. The mother tries hard to hold on to her son and is watchful that the new woman does not try to possess him fully.

She may fabricate lies about her daughter-in-law or find fault in her. Such an attitude might be followed by many arguments and even occasional hostilities.

The situation becomes even worse if they all live in the same house. Even though a row may occur between two women, the real anguish and distress remains with the man in the middle.

The husband is trapped in an argument where he cannot take sides. On the one hand is his wife who would like to have an independent life without any interference from outsiders.

He naturally feels that he must support her and make her happy. But on the other hand, he thinks of his parents who have helped him with his life, education, and have spent their own lives in bringing him up.

He feels that his parents expect him to help them in their times of need and that it would not be fair to abandon them. Besides, if he himself was in need of something, who else, other than his parents, would help him and his family.

As a result, he realizes that his best and most trustworthy friends are his parents and relatives. So, the dilemma for a sensible man is either to choose the wife and abandon the parents or vice versa; but neither of these is possible.

Consequently, he has to cope with both sides and keep them satisfied which, itself, is a difficult task. The only possible way to ease the situation is that the woman should be loyal and wise.

A man in this situation expects his wife to help solve the problem. If the wife respects her mother-in-law, seeks advice from her, and becomes obedient and friendly with her, then the mother-in-law will be her greatest supporter.

Is it not sad that one, who can attract many people through kindness and good manners, should repulse them through stubbornness and selfishness?

Do you not realize that in the ups and downs of life, one might need the help of others, and especially of relatives who would support you when everyone else deserts you?

Is it not better to enjoy a good relationship with one's relatives through consideration and good behaviour? Is it really wise and fair to become friends with strangers while breaking away from your own relations?

Experience shows that when one needs the help of others, friends leave but the abandoned relatives come to help. This is because the family ties are natural and cannot be broken easily.

There is a general proverb which says: "Even if one's flesh is eaten by relations, they would not throw away the bones!

One would need the respect and kindness of one's relatives. It is they who would support one physically and mentally.

Relatives always come to the rescue. In times of need they could come to one's assistance faster than others. Whoever disowns his relatives will lose many helping hands.

For the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well as to find many good friends and supporters, put up with your husband's relatives.

Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted by both Allah and the people.

Everyone has a job and jobs are different. For example, a driver who is mostly on the road and is unable to come home every night; a policeman who may have to stay out some nights; a medical doctor who has little time to spend with his family; a lecturer or a scientist who reads a great deal at nights; a mechanic whose clothes are dirty and have smell of oil; a factory worker who works at night.

Therefore, there are rarely jobs which are entirely convenient and do not entail any discomfort of the family. There is not any other way of earning an honest living than working.

It is necessary for the men to put up with the difficulties of their jobs. However, there is another problem which is the complaints of the family.

Women usually like their men to be nearby and prefer them to be home when it becomes dark. Women want their husbands to have a decent job with a high salary.

They like to have enough time to go out in the evenings. But unfortunately, the jobs of most men do not live up to their wives' expectations, and this, for some families, is a source of rows and arguments.

A driver who has been on the road for a few nights, who has not had a decent sleep and has not been eating regularly, enters his house to rest and find peace and comfort with his family.

Then his wife, without sparing a moment, starts to moan and groan: "What is this life? Why do you leave me with these kids and where have you been?

I have to do all the work myself because you are not here to help. I am fed up with these naughty children. As a matter off act driving is not a good job.

You should either change your job or settle with me. I can't live like this any longer! A poor driver who has such a wife cannot be expected to perform well on his job and may endanger his life; and the lives of those whom he transports.

A doctor who, from morning to night, visits tens of patients cannot cope with the grumbling of his wife. Then how could he continue to practise medicine?

A worker who works during the night shifts cannot enthusiastically pursue his job if his wife is a shrewish woman. How can a scientist be successful in his field of research if his wife is constantly nagging him?

These are the tests which distinguish the wise women from the ignorant ones. We cannot make the world according to our wishes, but we can adapt ourselves to the existing situation.

Your husband needs to have a job to earn his family's living. His job has certain conditions which you must adapt to. You must program your family life according to his job.

Why do you grumble and find fault with his job? Welcome him home with a happy face and be kind to him.

Be wise and cope with his job. If your husband is a driver who is mostly on the road, then realize that he is trying to bring money home for your sake and the children's.

There is nothing wrong with his job. He is a part of society and is serving it the best way he can. Would it have been better if he was a lazy person or if he was engaged in an irreligious job?

So, there is nothing wrong with him. The fault lies with you, expecting him to be at home every night and not being able or not wanting to adapt yourself to the present conditions.

Is it not wise to get used to the existing situation and live more comfortably? Would you not rather welcome him with a smiling face and persuade him to carry on in his job with a warm "Good-bye" when he leaves home for work?

If you act kindly, his interest in his family would increase and he could work harder. He would not isolate himself from you; he would come home as early as possible; he would not have accidents and he would remain healthy in his morals.

If your husband is a night-shift worker, he is missing his night's good sleep in order to meet the expenses of his family. Try to get used to it and do not express your dissatisfaction.

If you get bored, then you can do some of the housework, sewing and reading at night. In the morning prepare the breakfast when your husband comes back from work, and then prepare his bed in a quiet place.

Keep the children quiet and teach them not to disturb their father when he is resting. You can even sleep less at night and take a rest with your husband during the day.

But, do not forget that he has been awake all the night and the sleep during the day to him is the same as the night sleep for you. Women in this situation have to have two programs, one for themselves and one for their husbands.

If your husband is a driver, a doctor, a worker, or a scientist etc, then you must be proud of him. Your husband is not an idle loafer or engaged in an irreligious occupation.

So appreciate him and show your gratitude. Do not expect him or ask him to leave his job, but try to adapt to his existing one.

If he is reading or researching on a particular field, then do not disturb him. You can do the housework, read a book or, with his permission, go and visit your friends or relatives.

But when he is resting, try to be at home. Prepare his food and other requirements. Receive your husband with a smiling face and good manners.

By showing your kindness and by pleasing him you can make him forget his tiredness. If you are a good wife, then not only you can expedite his promotion, but also you are contributing to his services towards society.

Not all women deserve such hardworking men. So by being well-mannered and sacrificing, prove that you are worthy of him. If your husband's job requires him to wear special clothes which become dirty, then wash them frequently.

Do not grumble and do not tell him bad because of his job. Do not ask him to change his job. It is not easy to change jobs.

What is wrong with being a mechanic? In any case, this is not an important matter and families should not be broken because of it. One may have to live away from one's hometown.

Your husband may be working for the private or the public sector and sent on duty to another city or town also. Some people live in this way either temporarily or permanently.

Men are forced to cope with this situation but some women prefer to be near their parents and relatives. These women are accustomed to the streets, walls, and the environment of their place of birth.

After moving away they blame their husbands and complain: "Why should I live away from my home? How long am I going to be away from my home and my parents?

I have no one in this place. What is this place you have brought me? I cannot stay here; so think of a way out!

These women should not upset their husbands in this way. They are so feeble-minded that they think their birth places are the best locations to live.

They think that they cannot enjoy life anywhere else. Mankind is not satisfied even with its own planet, so it has stepped onto other planets.

But one looks and finds a woman who is so improvident that she is not prepared to live a few miles away from her hometown. She thinks to herself: "Why should I leave all my friends and relatives to get to a strange place?

Be wise and sacrificing. Do not be selfish. Now that your husband's job has taken you away from your hometown, do not cause him any distress.

If he is a civil servant, he has orders to travel on duty and if he has a private business, then surely it is to his advantage to live in another location.

If your husband informs you that he has to live in another place, then you should agree at once. You should then help pack up and move to new places where you must try to feel at home.

Plan your life in this new home and adapt yourself to it. Since you are new in the area and probably not familiar with the characteristics of the inhabitants, be cautious with them.

After a while, with the help and supervision of your husband, try to make friends from among the chaste and trustworthy women. Every place has its own merits.

You can relax by sightseeing and visiting ancient buildings. You must keep the family together and encourage your husband in his work.

After a while you get used to your new home and you might even like it more than your previous one. You might find that your new friends are better than your old ones.

If the new place lacks the luxury of your previous town, then get used to the new life and find its merits.

If you are no longer enjoying such privileges as electricity, then your environment may have a better climate and you may be able to get fresher and better quality food.

If there are not any proper roads, then you will not be inhaling toxic exhaust fumes and you will be away from all the noise of people and cars.

Think a little about your country men and women who are living happily in mud and brick houses and would not give any heed to the luxuries of city life and their beautiful castle-like houses.

Think of their needs and deprivations. If you can help them, then do not hesitate and encourage your husband to be helpful to them.

If you are wise and perform your duty, then you can live comfortably in the new place. You can be helpful towards your husband's progress.

This way you would be known as a respected and devoted wife. You will be loved by your husband and would earn popularity amongst the people.

Moreover Allah will be satisfied with you. Those women whose husbands work outside have freedom at home. But some men work at home, like poets, writers, painters, or scientists who need to read a great deal.

The wives of such men have less freedom at home and, therefore their lives are different. The above-mentioned jobs require concentration, talent, and intellect.

Therefore, there will be a need for privacy and silence. One hour of work in peace is equivalent to a few hours of work in a busy and noisy surrounding.

The problem is clear. On the one hand, the man needs a quiet place to work in and on the other hand, the wife wants to move around the house freely.

If a woman plans the affairs of such a house in such a way that her husband can get on with his job, surely she has accomplished a valuable task.

Such an achievement is certainly not easy, especially when there are children around. But nevertheless the problem must be solved, because the progress of the husband in his job would be based on this.

If a woman cooperates with her husband, she can turn him into a respected man who can be a credit to her and the society. A woman, whose husband works at home, should not expect him to baby sit, to open the door to callers, to go to the kitchen, to help with the housework, to shout at the children When your husband wants to go to his study room, prepare his pen, paper, cigarettes, ash-tray, matches, books, and other items he requires.

Once you have prepared the room and his requirements, leave him. Do not talk loudly and do not allow the children to make a noise.

Teach your children not to play noisily while their father is working. Do not talk to him about daily matters.

Answer the door and the telephone when it rings. If anybody wants to see him or talk to him, tell them he is busy. Entertain your guests during his break times.

Tell your friends and relatives to visit you when your husband is not busy. Your true friends would not be upset by your demand. While you are doing your housework, provide him with his needs.

Do not interrupt him. Perhaps some women think this way of life is impossible. They might say: "Is it possible for a woman to do the difficult housework, and at the same time, take care of her husband and not to let anything interrupt him?

It is true that this way of life is unusual and seems difficult, but if the women in question ponder over the importance of their husbands' jobs, they can decide to overcome the problem through good planning, devotion, and wisdom.

The exceptionality of some women becomes apparent in these situations. Otherwise, running an ordinary family life is not an extraordinary task. Writing a book, a good scientific article or a useful essay, writing an excellent poem, creating a precious painting, or solving scientific problems are not easy tasks.

But, with your devotion and co-operation it becomes possible. Are you not prepared to sacrifice your desires and with a slight alteration in your life, help your husband in his job?

Through your help, he would become prestigious and you would share his social status. Human beings are by nature potentially able to make progress.

The love for attaining perfection exists in all of us; and we have been created for achieving perfection. Everyone, in any job at any age and in any condition is able to progress and mature.

One should never be content with mere existence, and should not forget the purpose of creation. One must try to acquire perfection in one's own lifetime.

Even though everyone is pursuing for progress, not all are successful. Making progress needs high aspirations and a great deal of hard work.

One must prepare the ground and remove the obstacles after which one must take the necessary steps in the path of progress.

The personality of a man is largely dependent on his wife's desires. A woman can be helpful in her husband's progress as much as she could be detrimental to it.

While considering the possibilities, consider a higher status for your husband and encourage him to achieve it.

If he is interested in continuing his studies or if he wants to increase his knowledge through reading and research, then do not stop him.

Encourage him to achieve his desires. Plan your life in a way that is not a hindrance in his progress. Try to assist him to make progress through creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere at home.

If he is illiterate, encourage him and humbly ask him to start his studies at night classes. If he is educated, encourage him to increase his knowledge by further reading.

If he is a medical doctor, make him read the medical journals and other related articles. If he is a teacher, engineer or a judge, then ask him to read the books and articles which are related to his specialization.

You should remember whatever position your husband holds, there is an opportunity for him to make progress.

Do not let him deviate from the path which has been paved by the order to creation. Encourage him to read books.

Do not let his personality cease to grow. If he is short of time to buy or obtain books, then with his or a friend's supervision obtain the books of his interest.

Give the books to him and encourage him to read them. You should read books and useful magazines too. If through reading, you come across an article which is useful for your husband, then inform him of it.

This act has several benefits:. Moreover, he would become a brilliant specialist whose services would be beneficial to him as well as his society.

Men should have freedom in their business and associations in order to be able to work and progress in a way suitable to them.

If men are restricted in their activities, then they will not be comfortable. A wise woman would not interfere with the affairs of her husband.

She should not monitor his movements; because she should know that by denying him the freedom he needs and by trying to control his activities, he may react severely.

Wise and experienced men do not need to be controlled. Such men always act wisely; they cannot be deceived; they know both their friends and their foes.

However, there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would easily be influenced by others. There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men.

The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doer, traps the man and draws him towards corruption. The corrupt society and the unyielding nature of humans does not help the situation.

The simple man may not realize his situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in a trap from which there is not any escape.

If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people. Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness, they are now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.

On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. By monitoring their activities, the wise and well-wishing people would be doing them a great service.

The best people for this task, however, are the wives of these men. A wise and clever wife is able, through a benevolent and wise attitude, to achieve the greatest of the tasks regarding her husband.

Such women, however, should remember not to directly interfere with the affairs of their husband, or to tell them the "do's" and the "don'ts".

The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply.

But a wise woman would monitor her husband's activities and watch his associates indirectly without his knowledge. It also happens that some men, some times, come back home later than usual.

If this is the case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work.

However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then his wife should make an effort to investigate.

But investigation is not easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest. The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly.

She should ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been. She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and on different occasions.

If she finds out that he comes back home late because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings, then she should leave him alone.

If she feels that he has found a new friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry.

It is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship, because a good friend is a great blessing. If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately.

Each seeks to feel valued in relation to the other, yet uses tactics that cause distance, rather than the sense of safety and love they aspire.

Both deserve so much more. Healthy love and romance instead promotes healthy intimacy—and intimacy is first and foremost an emotional connection between a man and a woman that is based on empathy, understanding and compassion for self and other as human beings on spiritual journey designed to transform them personally as individuals to love authentically with their whole hearts.

More in Part 2 of this post. Johnson, Robert A. We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Lov e. NY: HarperCollins. Lamanna, Mary A. Schaeffer, Brenda Is it Love or Is It Addiction?

Center City, MN: Hazelden. Schneider, Jennifer P. Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr.

Athena Staik motivates clients to break free of anxiety, emotion reactivity, and other addictive patterns, to awaken wholehearted relating to self and other.

To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www. Or via RSS Feed. Find help or get online counseling now. Neuroscience and Relationships About the Blog Archives.

By Athena Staik, Ph. Mary Ann Lamanna and Agnes, include the following: Addictions and other life harming habits, such as eating compulsions, sex, drugs, depression, and physical illness.

Passive aggression, such as chronic fault-finding, nagging, nitpicking to relieve anger. Devitalized marriages, erosion of intimacy, emotional detachment, extremes of numb indifference on the one hand and outbursts of anger or even violence on the other.

The brain and body are always in either a learning safety and love or protective fear mode.

Not all women deserve such hardworking men. So by being well-mannered and sacrificing, prove that you are worthy of him. If your husband's job requires him to wear special clothes which become dirty, then wash them frequently.

Do not grumble and do not tell him bad because of his job. Do not ask him to change his job. It is not easy to change jobs. What is wrong with being a mechanic?

In any case, this is not an important matter and families should not be broken because of it. One may have to live away from one's hometown.

Your husband may be working for the private or the public sector and sent on duty to another city or town also. Some people live in this way either temporarily or permanently.

Men are forced to cope with this situation but some women prefer to be near their parents and relatives. These women are accustomed to the streets, walls, and the environment of their place of birth.

After moving away they blame their husbands and complain: "Why should I live away from my home? How long am I going to be away from my home and my parents?

I have no one in this place. What is this place you have brought me? I cannot stay here; so think of a way out! These women should not upset their husbands in this way.

They are so feeble-minded that they think their birth places are the best locations to live. They think that they cannot enjoy life anywhere else.

Mankind is not satisfied even with its own planet, so it has stepped onto other planets. But one looks and finds a woman who is so improvident that she is not prepared to live a few miles away from her hometown.

She thinks to herself: "Why should I leave all my friends and relatives to get to a strange place? Be wise and sacrificing. Do not be selfish.

Now that your husband's job has taken you away from your hometown, do not cause him any distress. If he is a civil servant, he has orders to travel on duty and if he has a private business, then surely it is to his advantage to live in another location.

If your husband informs you that he has to live in another place, then you should agree at once. You should then help pack up and move to new places where you must try to feel at home.

Plan your life in this new home and adapt yourself to it. Since you are new in the area and probably not familiar with the characteristics of the inhabitants, be cautious with them.

After a while, with the help and supervision of your husband, try to make friends from among the chaste and trustworthy women.

Every place has its own merits. You can relax by sightseeing and visiting ancient buildings. You must keep the family together and encourage your husband in his work.

After a while you get used to your new home and you might even like it more than your previous one. You might find that your new friends are better than your old ones.

If the new place lacks the luxury of your previous town, then get used to the new life and find its merits. If you are no longer enjoying such privileges as electricity, then your environment may have a better climate and you may be able to get fresher and better quality food.

If there are not any proper roads, then you will not be inhaling toxic exhaust fumes and you will be away from all the noise of people and cars.

Think a little about your country men and women who are living happily in mud and brick houses and would not give any heed to the luxuries of city life and their beautiful castle-like houses.

Think of their needs and deprivations. If you can help them, then do not hesitate and encourage your husband to be helpful to them.

If you are wise and perform your duty, then you can live comfortably in the new place. You can be helpful towards your husband's progress. This way you would be known as a respected and devoted wife.

You will be loved by your husband and would earn popularity amongst the people. Moreover Allah will be satisfied with you. Those women whose husbands work outside have freedom at home.

But some men work at home, like poets, writers, painters, or scientists who need to read a great deal. The wives of such men have less freedom at home and, therefore their lives are different.

The above-mentioned jobs require concentration, talent, and intellect. Therefore, there will be a need for privacy and silence.

One hour of work in peace is equivalent to a few hours of work in a busy and noisy surrounding. The problem is clear. On the one hand, the man needs a quiet place to work in and on the other hand, the wife wants to move around the house freely.

If a woman plans the affairs of such a house in such a way that her husband can get on with his job, surely she has accomplished a valuable task.

Such an achievement is certainly not easy, especially when there are children around. But nevertheless the problem must be solved, because the progress of the husband in his job would be based on this.

If a woman cooperates with her husband, she can turn him into a respected man who can be a credit to her and the society.

A woman, whose husband works at home, should not expect him to baby sit, to open the door to callers, to go to the kitchen, to help with the housework, to shout at the children When your husband wants to go to his study room, prepare his pen, paper, cigarettes, ash-tray, matches, books, and other items he requires.

Once you have prepared the room and his requirements, leave him. Do not talk loudly and do not allow the children to make a noise.

Teach your children not to play noisily while their father is working. Do not talk to him about daily matters. Answer the door and the telephone when it rings.

If anybody wants to see him or talk to him, tell them he is busy. Entertain your guests during his break times. Tell your friends and relatives to visit you when your husband is not busy.

Your true friends would not be upset by your demand. While you are doing your housework, provide him with his needs. Do not interrupt him. Perhaps some women think this way of life is impossible.

They might say: "Is it possible for a woman to do the difficult housework, and at the same time, take care of her husband and not to let anything interrupt him?

It is true that this way of life is unusual and seems difficult, but if the women in question ponder over the importance of their husbands' jobs, they can decide to overcome the problem through good planning, devotion, and wisdom.

The exceptionality of some women becomes apparent in these situations. Otherwise, running an ordinary family life is not an extraordinary task.

Writing a book, a good scientific article or a useful essay, writing an excellent poem, creating a precious painting, or solving scientific problems are not easy tasks.

But, with your devotion and co-operation it becomes possible. Are you not prepared to sacrifice your desires and with a slight alteration in your life, help your husband in his job?

Through your help, he would become prestigious and you would share his social status. Human beings are by nature potentially able to make progress.

The love for attaining perfection exists in all of us; and we have been created for achieving perfection. Everyone, in any job at any age and in any condition is able to progress and mature.

One should never be content with mere existence, and should not forget the purpose of creation. One must try to acquire perfection in one's own lifetime.

Even though everyone is pursuing for progress, not all are successful. Making progress needs high aspirations and a great deal of hard work.

One must prepare the ground and remove the obstacles after which one must take the necessary steps in the path of progress. The personality of a man is largely dependent on his wife's desires.

A woman can be helpful in her husband's progress as much as she could be detrimental to it. While considering the possibilities, consider a higher status for your husband and encourage him to achieve it.

If he is interested in continuing his studies or if he wants to increase his knowledge through reading and research, then do not stop him.

Encourage him to achieve his desires. Plan your life in a way that is not a hindrance in his progress. Try to assist him to make progress through creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere at home.

If he is illiterate, encourage him and humbly ask him to start his studies at night classes. If he is educated, encourage him to increase his knowledge by further reading.

If he is a medical doctor, make him read the medical journals and other related articles. If he is a teacher, engineer or a judge, then ask him to read the books and articles which are related to his specialization.

You should remember whatever position your husband holds, there is an opportunity for him to make progress. Do not let him deviate from the path which has been paved by the order to creation.

Encourage him to read books. Do not let his personality cease to grow. If he is short of time to buy or obtain books, then with his or a friend's supervision obtain the books of his interest.

Give the books to him and encourage him to read them. You should read books and useful magazines too.

If through reading, you come across an article which is useful for your husband, then inform him of it. This act has several benefits:.

Moreover, he would become a brilliant specialist whose services would be beneficial to him as well as his society. Men should have freedom in their business and associations in order to be able to work and progress in a way suitable to them.

If men are restricted in their activities, then they will not be comfortable. A wise woman would not interfere with the affairs of her husband.

She should not monitor his movements; because she should know that by denying him the freedom he needs and by trying to control his activities, he may react severely.

Wise and experienced men do not need to be controlled. Such men always act wisely; they cannot be deceived; they know both their friends and their foes.

However, there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would easily be influenced by others. There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men.

The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doer, traps the man and draws him towards corruption. The corrupt society and the unyielding nature of humans does not help the situation.

The simple man may not realize his situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in a trap from which there is not any escape.

If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people. Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness, they are now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.

On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. By monitoring their activities, the wise and well-wishing people would be doing them a great service.

The best people for this task, however, are the wives of these men. A wise and clever wife is able, through a benevolent and wise attitude, to achieve the greatest of the tasks regarding her husband.

Such women, however, should remember not to directly interfere with the affairs of their husband, or to tell them the "do's" and the "don'ts".

The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply.

But a wise woman would monitor her husband's activities and watch his associates indirectly without his knowledge. It also happens that some men, some times, come back home later than usual.

If this is the case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work.

However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then his wife should make an effort to investigate.

But investigation is not easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest. The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly.

She should ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been. She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and on different occasions.

If she finds out that he comes back home late because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings, then she should leave him alone.

If she feels that he has found a new friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry.

It is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship, because a good friend is a great blessing. If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately.

A woman in this situation has a great responsibility. The slightest mishandling of the situation, through carelessness.

May shatter their family life. This is a situation where the wisdom and cleverness of some women can become useful and apparent.

One should remember that rows or arguments are not the solution and they may result in the exact opposite. A woman, who experiences this event, has two tasks to achieve:.

She must find out the reason for her husband's behavior. She should fairly judge why he has grown cold towards his family and gone astray.

She may find that her own attitude had been the cause; or perhaps she had been the cause; or perhaps she had been indifferent to his desires for food, her looks or the affairs of the house.

Such matters draw men away from home. They may then pursue outside deviant activities in order to forget their problems. The wife can ask her husband about his problems and try to help solve them.

If a woman corrected herself and changed the house according to his desires, then she could be hopeful that her husband could be drawn back to his family and that he would avoid corrupt places.

She should advise him and remind him of the grim consequences of his deeds. She should even cry and beg him to give up his bad companions.

She must say to him:. I am proud of you. I prefer you to all things and I am ready to devote myself to you. But I am saddened by one thing; why should a man, like you, have these kinds of friends; or attend that kind of a party?

Such deeds are not suitable for you. Please give them up". It is possible that the husband is used to unworthy habits and that he would not be influenced easily, but the wife should not become disappointed.

She should pursue her goal with greater strength and patience. Women have great power and influence over men. She is able to do whatever she wills if she puts her mind to it.

If a woman decides to save her husband from the filth of corruption, she can do it. There is an eighty per cent chance of success, provided she acts wisely.

Anyway, she must not use violence or a harsh attitude, unless she sees that there is not any result from being kind and gentle to him.

Even then she must quarrel, leave home or use any other way in as kind a way as possible and not revengefully.

Yes, looking after one's husband is the duty of every wife. It is a difficult duty and that is why the Prophet S of Islam stated: "The Jihad of a woman is to take care of her husband well.

It is not wrong if a woman is watchful of her husband, but only if it does not exceed to a state of suspicion and mistrust. Suspicion is a destructive and incurable illness.

Unfortunately some women are affected by this disease. A woman of suspicion imagines that her husband is, lawfully or unlawfully, disloyal to her.

She imagines that he is married to another woman or that he is going to marry her. She suspects him of having an affair with his secretary or another woman.

She loses trust in him because he comes home late or he was seen talking to a woman. If he helps a widow and her children, the wife may think that he has an interest in her, other than a charitable one.

If any woman gives her husband a compliment, saying that he is handsome or well-mannered, she concludes that he is interested in that woman.

Upon finding a strand of hair in his car, she thinks there is another woman in his life. Such women with these thoughts and inconclusive proof gradually assume certainty regarding their husbands' unfaithfulness.

They think about it every day and night. They also tell others, friends and foes about it, who, in the name of sympathy, reinforce the allegations and in turn tell the concerned women about other unfaithful men.

Arguments and rows start to take shape. The woman begins to ignore the affairs of the house and the children and might even go to her parents.

She would monitor him and search his pockets. She would read his letters and would explain any trivial matter as due to his unfaithfulness.

With this attitude, she would make the family's life hard and turn the house into a burning hell in which she would also suffer.

If her husband brought proof of his innocence, or swore that he had not been committing any thing wrong, or cried, she would not be satisfied.

The reader has certainly come across such women, but it is useful to know of the following cases:. I am now certain that my husband is unfaithful to me.

A few days ago, I saw him with an attractive woman walking in the street. I read a weekly magazine which has a proper section on fortune telling.

Every week, in my husband's horoscope, it mentions that he would have good times with the people who are born in the month of June.

I was born in February; so I am not one of those people mentioned in the horoscope. Besides I feel my husband is not as loving towards me as he used to be'.

The husband of this woman said: "Please tell me what I can do I wish these magazines would consider the readers like my wife, and would not tell so many lies.

Believe me these horoscopes have turned the lives of mine and my children into ruins. If one of these horoscopes says that this week a large lump sum of money is coming my way, then she comes to me and asks me what I have done with that money?

Or, if it says that I would be receiving a letter, then Allah save me! I think it is probably better for both of us to separate, because she does not confront reason'.

The day after my wife asked me to take her to her parents'. On the way, she looked back and found a strand of hair on the back seat of the car.

She asked who this strand of hair belonged to. I was in a panic and could not give her a proper explanation. I dropped her at her parents' house and went to work.

When I went to pick her up that night she refused to come with me. I asked, why? She said to me that I should better live with the owner of the strand of hair'.

I have been worried about this and my suspicion has increased due to what our neighbours are saying. They say that my husband is lying and he is not working at night and that he goes after his pleasure.

As a result I am not prepared to live with a liar'. At his point the husband took out a few letters from his pocket and placed them on a counter before the judge and asked him to read them aloud in order to prove his innocence and to stop his wife's improper attitude.

The judge started to read the letters aloud. One of the letters was indicative of his overtime working from 4 to 8 O'clock at night.

Other letters were also related to his work where he was asked to attend certain seminars. The wife came forward and after seeing the letters said: 'I used to search his pockets every night but I did not see any of these letters'..

The young man said: 'My wife's suspiciousness towards me has grown so much that I have become suspicious of her. Every night I have nightmares.

I imagine that she is in love with a man and wants to separate from me in order to marry him'. At this point the young wife rushed towards her husband and while crying for joy, apologized to him and they both left the court'.

I am a dentist and there are women patients who come to my office for treatment. This has aroused my wife's jealousy and everyday we argue about it.

She believes that I should not accept women patients. But I cannot lose my regular patients. I love my wife and she loves me, but this improper expectation of hers is ruining our lives.

A few days ago she came to my dental surgery and forced me to leave. We went home and quarreled. She said to me: 'I went to your surgery and sat beside a young girl in the waiting room.

We talked about you and she, without knowing that I was your wife, said: 'The dentist is a handsome and well- mannered man'.

I followed him one day and realized that it was true. Now I am asking the court to punish him'. The husband, while acknowledging what his wife was saying, told the court: 'One day I went to a pharmacy to buy some medicine.

I saw a woman in the pharmacy who was buying powdered milk. She did not have enough money to pay for the milk, so I offered to help.

Later, I found out that she was a widow who was poor. So I decided to continue my help'. Such events happen in many families.

The family atmosphere changes into an environment of pessimism, suspicion, and enmity. The children would suffer and the mental effects are grave.

If a couple continues to live in this situation, then they would both suffer, and if they show stubbornness towards each other, they would surely lead to a divorce.

In the case of a divorce taking place, both man and wife would be losers, because on the one hand the man would not be able to find another wife who is any better than the previous one.

On the other hand, the children would suffer and would not be able to enjoy a healthy life. The children might even confront new problems due to a step-father or step-mother.

The man may think that by divorcing his wife, he can marry a 'perfect' woman, with whom he can live in peace. But this is nothing more than a dream and the realization of it is very remote.

By divorcing his wife, he may encounter new problems with the new one. Divorce is also not a path to comfort and happiness for the woman.

Although she might feel satisfied that she has had her revenge, remarrying would not be easy for her.

She may have to live alone for the rest of her life and would probably not even enjoy the presence of her children. Even if she gets married again, it is not certain that her new husband would comply with her expectations.

She may even have to bring up the children of a man whose wife is dead. Therefore, neither divorce nor arguments and rows can save the couple.

But there is a way to salvation. The best attitude is that both man and wife give up arguing and try to be logical.

Men have a greater responsibility in this matter, and in fact the key to the solution is in their hands. Men can, through patience and forgiveness, save themselves from trouble and also help eliminate the element of suspicion in their wives.

Firstly, dear sir! You should remember that your wife, even though suspicious of you, loves you. She is interested in your children and the family home.

She is afraid of separation. She would definitely suffer from your deplorable life situation. If she did not love you, she would not have been jealous.

So she does not like the present situation, but what can she do if she is ill? Some patients have rheumatism and some have cancer. Your wife suffers from a mental disorder and if you do not believe it, then take her to a psychiatrist.

You should treat her sympathetically and compassionately. You should not be angry with her or have arguments. No one could quarrel with an ill person.

Do not react harshly to her impoliteness or allegations. Do not end up fighting with her. Do not go to any courts. Do not ignore her.

Do not talk about divorce and separation. None of these acts can cure her illness; in fact it might become worse.

Your unkindness would serve as a source of her suspicion. You must be as kind to her as possible. You might resent your wife deeply because of her attitude, but there is not any other way.

You must treat her in a manner so that she becomes certain of your innocence. Secondly, you should try to create an understanding between yourselves.

Do not hide any thing from her. Let her read your letters even before you do. Leave the keys to your private desk, drawers or safe within her reach.

Let her look into your bags and pockets. Allow her to monitor you. You should not express displeasure with any of the above- mentioned points, but regard them as normal procedures in a healthy and friendly family life.

After work, if you do not have any other business, return home as soon as possible. If an urgent matter arises that you should attend to, then inform your wife and tell her where you are going and at what time she should expect you back home.

Then try to be on time. If you are late in coming home, then immediately tell your wife the reason. Be careful not to lie, otherwise she will become suspicious.

Consult her in your affairs. Do not hide anything from her. Talk to her about your day. Keep her trust in you.

Ask her to question you on any vague subject which may be bothering her. Thirdly, you may be innocent of the subject of her suspicion, but the suspicions of women are mostly not baseless either.

Perhaps, through carelessness you have done something which has affected her mentally and made her suspicious of you.

You should ponder over your previous acts carefully. You might then find the cause of her suspicion. In this way you can solve the problem better.

For instance, if you joke a lot with other women, try not to do it any more. What is the point of being called handsome or well-mannered at the expense of your wife's suspicion and her distrust towards you?

Why should you trigger her suspicion by joking with your secretary or a woman colleague? Why should you employ a woman to work for you?

Do not joke with other women in parties. If you want to help a poor widow, why should you not inform your wife?

You can even help the widow through your wife. Do not think that you are a slave, or a person in chains.

You should not be a slave, but a wise man who, upon an agreement with your wife, is taking care of her. You should help her overcome this problem.

Through patience and wisdom, you should remove the dangers which are threatening the foundation of your sacred family life.

You would then cure your wife's illness as well as save your children from unhappiness. You would do a great deal of service to yourself both mentally and materialistically.

Moreover, Allah rewards men who are willing to sacrifice at vital moments such as this. Speak to them nicely in order that their deeds become good'.

First: Dear Madam! The subject of your husband's unfaithfulness, like every other subject, needs proof. As long as his guilt is not proved you do not have any right to convict him.

Neither law nor one's conscience allows one to accuse someone on the account of probability of a crime having taken place.

Would you not be hurt if someone accused you of something without any proof? Is it possible to consider your foolish and baseless theories as proof of an important crime such as adultery?

Do not be foolish and do not jump to conclusions. When you have time, sit down and write down all the proof and grounds regarding your husband's unfaithfulness.

Then in front of each point, write down the other aspects to the problem and the probability of their occurrence.

Next, place yourself as a fair judge and think deeply about the written points. If they do not convince you that he is guilty, then you can either forget the matter or make further investigations.

For instance, the presence of a strand of hair in your husband's car may be easily explained by one of the following:.

Perhaps if I had entertained that possibility, I would have been better prepared, but expecting the worst doesn't seem the best approach to marriage.

As a result, I was not at all prepared for what lay ahead after my husband walked out. I went into survival mode and got a temporary job, but at the same time I refused to curb my spending or change our lifestyle one iota.

Looking back now, I wish I had battened down the hatches the moment my lawyer explained that my life was going to change.

And though I still flinch at his phrase "women like me," which is both demeaning and presumptuous, he was right that it would be difficult to come to terms with the fact that my old life was over.

I think I was simply in denial, and it took me years to slowly face reality. I liken the experience to turning a large ship.

They don't turn on a dime and neither did I. This was partly out of habit. Over the previous six years, I had developed spending patterns that had become second nature.

So in those first months, I thought nothing of taking my children out to dinner at expensive restaurants during the week or flying to Florida for spring vacation.

Beyond that, I was furious at my husband and at the situation in which he had put the children and me, and I was adamant that we would go on living as before.

I was particularly insistent that we remain in our home, which my husband had chosen. It's hard to put my finger on a moment in time when reality began to creep in, but my viewpoint began to shift a little more than a year later, after visiting my sister and her husband in Arizona for Christmas.

Seeing how much happier my children were in new surroundings gave me the idea that perhaps the three of us needed a fresh start in a new home.

Once I began to ponder the idea of giving up our house, the exorbitant costs of maintaining it came into sharp focus, and I realized I couldn't afford it.

As adamant that I had been that we keep our home, I became equally resolute that we should sell it. That spring my children and I fell in love with a square-foot house on a third of an acre in town, and I was nearly giddy at the thought that I would no longer need to pay someone to plow the driveway in the winter or mow the lawn in the summer.

During this period, my husband and I had a temporary support order but were not yet legally divorced. That came last year.

I received money from him every month, and though at one point early in our battle he said that he was not going to support me in the style to which I had become accustomed, later he often encouraged me to spend on luxuries, such as taking the children on vacation.

In any event, my reckoning came gradually. Though I was working as a freelance journalist, I made a paltry amount of money, and every month, I had to ask my husband to fill in the gap.

There was never a moment when I thought, "I'm not rich anymore, I need to drastically cut my spending. Men in general as well as men in high places.

The statistic they presented was that one in five married men have cheated. Compared to only 12 percent of married women having cheated.

So why is it men are more prone to it? Is there a reason? The panelists discussed several contributing factors that could be to blame. Way, way, way back when to ensure the survival of their species they planted their seed in every woman possible without regard to monogamy, fidelity or otherwise.

Well, maybe they did, but that was then and this is now. The panelists suggested some politicians cheat because men with power crave the forbidden.

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2 Comments

  1. Felkis Felrajas

    Es schon bei weitem die Ausnahme

  2. Neramar Mek

    Sie sind absolut recht. Darin ist etwas auch mich ich denke, dass es die ausgezeichnete Idee ist.

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